As examination of personal suffering
by Lisa Quintana
I had just received my Master’s degree (Dec. 2017) in Apologetics from the country’s top-rated university in this field, Biola. I have developed a wonderful network of fellow apologists, and an amazing opportunity to speak at the Women in Apologetics first-annual conference just a month after I graduated. The conference was a success, and I was eager to dive head-first into the apologetics ministry. I was ambitious and ready to move forward on writing, speaking, and teaching others why Christianity was true. Then everything stopped abruptly – I literally started seeing double.
In February, I had outpatient surgery on a lazy eye condition. I was supposed to see much better after this operation. To my great disappointment, that didn’t happen. Instead, after the stitches healed, my left eye was misaligned once again, and now, I was seeing double regularly. I couldn’t read a book (torture!), and driving was not safe. It was a devastating moment as I began to realize that I might have to release every expectation of doing anything for God, or much of anything at all. How could I work if I couldn’t even read a line of text? To make matters worse, there were no guarantees of my eye getting better. I had to lay all my great expectations down. Depression replaced my dreams.
I’d often go bed early just because there was nothing else I to do. Reading a book was out, watching TV where images floated on top of each other made me dizzy, and even cooking was challenging since I couldn’t read recipes! It was the dark night of my soul.
During that time, I cried out to God a lot. He answered my prayers but not in the way I wanted. Instead, God showed me my heart. And it wasn’t pretty. I was full of worldly ambition, had a competitive spirit, and “ministry envy” of others. YUK! I didn’t think that was in me, but it was. God used the double vision to actually help me “see” better! Isn’t that just like our God?
This went on for months, and because of it, I didn’t pursue anything ministry-wise. I just had to wait it out, which is not my strong suit. (My husband can attest to the fact I am not the most patient person he’s known.) I am moving forward now, little by little, stepping out cautiously, watching my heart and my motivations more strictly, asking that God would help me when I feel too ambitious or when I compare myself to others.
Patience is being thrust upon me in this season. Yet, God knows my heart and has been working on it through this trial… I just want to love well. I want to see others as He sees them, and not get caught up in the whole “success-oriented” trap. I need to see success as something that comes only from being obedient to God’s call, however small that call may be.
Today, things are much better. I have single vision for most of the day now, and only at the end of the day, when I am tired, does the double vision return. Late night reading doesn’t happen (unless I read with one eye shut). The strange thing is that I’m okay with my eyesight for one reason: to whom shall I go?
When Jesus looked at His disciples, He asked them a crucial question: “So, Jesus asked the Twelve, “Do you want to leave too?” Simon Peter replied, ‘Lord to whom would we go? You have the words of eternal life.’” (John 6:67-68.)
Isn’t that the question we must all ask ourselves when facing adversity? Sure, we can get mad at God for things not going the way we’d planned, but to outright reject Him because we’re suffering will get us nowhere. Where would we go with our pain? Other people? They won’t have the answers. To the bottle or to drugs? That only numbs the wound temporarily and won’t bring healing. Other religions? As an apologist, I know those aren’t true and won’t solve the problem of suffering. No, we must stay if we have any hope of seeing something good come out of the suffering we endure.
There must be something about suffering that is required for life, otherwise God himself would not have endured it… yet, He did. Why? Why must pain and evil exist in our reality? What is it about pain that produces promise in the Christian worldview? Even the best theologians can’t answer that question entirely. But we do know that suffering is not in vain when we trust that God is good.
“Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Heb. 12:2.)
We must look to Jesus who is perfecting our faith, making us more like Him, and wait for the promise to be fulfilled; that promise of a heavenly existence. Heaven is what we are eager for—that “Utopian experience” all people innately desire. It’s the only place where there will be no more suffering, no more tears, and no more pain. (Rev. 21:4.) In the meantime, we are called to bring a little bit of Heaven to Earth by being the hands and feet of Jesus Christ. This is where hope is found, and God knows we live in times were hope is lacking. We must bring hope back into people’s lives with the truth of who they are—image bearers of God.
Life this side of heaven can be hard at times, but with faith, we can help others along the path to finding the source of love itself: a relationship with their Creator. This is what we’re made for—to love God and to love others. This should be our “single vision,” for after all, I can attest that seeing double can drive you blind. Keep a single vision on the prize. (Phil. 3:14.)
Such a wonderful post and so spot on. I find it so easy to fall into the success and comparison trap if I don’t keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. Daily, I try to remind myself that everything I do is for an audience if one and He is the only one that matters.
Yup – keeping my eyes on Him was the whole reason I think God allowed me to see double for awhile. Blessings!
Thank you for sharing your personal story. I could so relate to this: “It was a devastating moment as I began to realize that I might have to release every expectation of doing anything for God, or much of anything at all.“ That’s exactly how I felt when I was struck down with my autoimmune disease just as my first novel was in production! The Lord also uncovered all the ugly things in my heart that you discovered in yours. The Potter is so thorough! We don’t want to be pounded and kneaded and thrown back into the Potter’s wheel. I know I didn’t! Yet, you’re so right, that suffering is a necessary part of teaching us who God is and how much he loves us even when we can do absolutely nothing to further his cause. He just loves us. That is enough. We are his! I’m glad your vision is improving. Whenever I start to feel improvement I also watch my heart very carefully. God bless you as you step out more and more as your vision cooperates!
Thanks, Melinda! You’re an encouragement to me, and I am sorry that you’ve had health issues, too. But hey, we’re both on a good journey with God, who is a good Father and has good things in store for us. Keep up your writing – you are truly gifted! Blessings
Yes, life can be hard. I am so thankful for Him as He guides me through each situation. “Single vision”. Amen
Wow! What a story! I’m so sorry you have had to live through this. But I’m encouraged by your resolve to keep your eye on the real prize. Love your humility and willingness to wait in the Lord, no matter how hard that has been. You are an inspiration to me. Thank you for your transparency!
Thanks, Marcie! It was a humbling blog to write, for sure. But I am trusting God no matter what! Blessings.
So glad you are doing better Lisa! I pray your sight continues to improve.
It took me several years into the ministry to learn the lesson you’ve learned up front. Ministry envy has devastating effects because we tend to push ourselves to be, or at least perform, like someone else. God created us all uniquely for a one-of-a-kind ministry. Looking back, my ministry envy had nothing but negative effects on me and my ministry.
The vast majority of the effects our ministries have will never be seen by us. Use your education, connections, and wisdom as best you can, exalt Jesus Christ, and our Father sort out who gets the most recognition.
Thanks, Scott. Trust me, writing this and sharing my faults with all to see was a very humbling thing, but I appreciate your sharing, too. I think, just like everything we struggle with, when we bring it out to the Light to heal, it no longer has power over us. I will take your advice and keep my “eyes” focused on pleasing God first. Blessings!
Thanks for the post. I pray for a more complete recovery.
Ahhh… you are SO kind! I will gladly take all the prayers I can get. Thank you!
Powerful analogy, Lisa. Glad your eye is doing some better. This thought sums it up, “Life this side of heaven can be hard at times, but with faith, we can help others along the path to finding the source of love itself: a relationship with their Creator.”
Thanks, Karen. It has been a humbling journey, to say the least!
“There must be something about suffering that is required for life, otherwise God himself would not have endured it… yet, He did.”
I want to say I’m sorry you went/are going through this circumstance. But it’s part of God shaping you into someone more beautiful spiritually.
Someday, may you be so happy it’s behind you–and so much better for having gone through to the other side of it.
Amen, Nancy! Thanks for your comment.
Isn’t it amazing how the Lord can and will use some of our greatest struggles to show His glory? Praying for singleness of thought and focus on my life and the lives of those around me. Thank you so much for sharing your story so authentically!
Thank you, Alynda.
Hi Lisa!
It was interesting reading about your journey so far after finishing your studies at the Biola University.
What a terrible experience that must be, to see double!
When you shared your experience with this, I came to think of the importance of the sight in the times we live in. Everything is depending on the fact that we can see.
Lisa, it’s redeeming to read when you share with this honesty about your ambitions, your competitive spirit, and “ministry envy”.
I’m not sure, or I am sure, that I disagree with you. I think the factors you mention there are driven factors that push us with the help from God, to do better all the time.
What you call the “success-oriented trap” could, and (should) in my opinion be formulated into positive goals. There’s nothing wrong with competing, striving for success, there’s something wrong with the generally accepted thoughts about happiness among Christians (oh boy, I’ll get unpopular for saying this :-)).
I’m glad to read that you are on the right track, improving your sight now.
You wrote something that made me think: You wrote: ” . . . other religions? As an apologist, I know those aren’t true and won’t solve the problem of suffering.”
Why build walls like that? All religions contain some truth, don’t they? My concern is that by holding that position we’ll push people away from us, but I’m not an expert on that 🙂
Lisa, I really appreciate your posts. You are one of those bloggers who feed me with questions and thoughts, and I like the fact that I’m trusting you enough to put fort my concerns and questions when I disagree. You are a light in the Christian online community, showing many the path to Christs.
Blessings!
Edna Davidsen
Thanks, Edna, for your comments and honest inquiry. I think there is a fine balance I discovered in this season of my life. The balance between what the world sees as success and what success means in the perspective of pleasing God first and foremost. Success in of itself is not a bad thing but it can become a trap if we are motivated by it solely. When we are motivated to please God in all that we do first, then success is a good thing. So, I hope that clarifies what I am trying to say here.
Regarding other religions, yes, some of them have a ‘piece of truth’ to them, but not the full truth. All other religions say different things about how one finds salvation, for example. They do not saying the same things, and, matter of fact, are quite opposite in what they espouse at times. Given that they say conflicting things, how can they all be true?
There is only one truth and that is found in Jesus Christ, who called Himself ‘The Truth.” Jesus is the fullness of truth, and Christianity is the way to this “Truth.” Christianity is also the only religion that is not works-based. You don’t need to pray five times a day, or to say certain prayers in a certain way, or to work really hard at trying to be perfect. No one can be perfect, and that is why Jesus came. It’s His perfection that He gives to us through His perfect sacrifice on the Cross. No other religion claims this truth, and it’s completely free – an act of divine grace. The only thing required is faith. So, that is why I say other religions don’t have the answer to our “soul sickness.” Our souls need redemption. Through faith in Christ, we are then given the Holy Spirit who leads us to more holiness: to want to do better, to want to rid ourselves of envy and competition and instead, replace it with true happiness for others’ successes, even if we don’t reach that kind of success this side of heaven in the world’s eyes. That is what I am talking about – a cure for the cancer of the soul comes from faith in Jesus Christ solely. So, I hope that clears things up about my views.
God bless you! Lisa Q